this is where I work it out with G!d blog

Dear G!d,
They say "be careful what you pray for" and I thought I was careful. I think there's been some mis-communication here. I knew that if I ended up deciding to divorce him, I didn't want to end up a statistic--the one that shows that the outcome of divorce for a woman is decreased standard of living relative to the man, but increase in mental health. I intended to be certain that he and I left the starting gate with the same financial resources, and, I believe you've been guiding me in making good decisions during the negotiation process and we're just about there. But I didn't want to trade financial equity for my improved mental health! Nor did I expect P's mental health to be negatively affected for much time, if any, given that the stats also say that most men will remarry within a relatively short time, and knowing P, how identified he is with being married, how dependent and virile he is, how many women there are in the sea, the new social circles he'd entered during our last years together, and his general attractiveness as an artist and essentially good person, he'd be happily moving forward with excellent mental health in no time at all.

I know, I know, I didn't follow your guidance at many choice-points you presented me with, and you still worked with me, giving me what I prayed for. And making those hard-headed choices, going against your nurturing direction, swimming against the current, so to speak, made my journey so hard and painful as I negotiated the obstacles I had to encounter on the path I'd so stubbornly insisted on following. Still, You know full well that in all but two cases, I have no regrets because so much good flowed from those parts of my journey. Only two big choices, and You know which ones I'm talking about, the undoable tasks I set as conditions of continued relationship, those two I regret. With the first, I knew something was wrong, and I sought guidance from people I knew would do things differently in my situation to acheive the outcome I longed for. But in the second case, I'd specifically been told to not do what I did, and I think the general outcome, I hope and pray and want to believe with all my heart and my might and my soul but keep losing my faith about, the general outcome, since You're in charge and You've always worked with me even when I made stupid choices, the overall, long term outcome will be for the best. But I certainly didn't make behavioural choices that felt centered in You. In each case, I forced a solution, threw down the gauntlet, and tested people by giving them tasks that were impossible to accomplish. In each case, I did want a fundamental change in the relationship, I wanted more distance, freedom, maybe to be out altogether, but I didn't want to burn my bridges behind me. I wanted a different situation where my needs would be better met. But I went about it in a way that caused such pain and damage to all concerned.

And in each one of those two cases, my mental health went into deep negative, and whatever guidance You've been offering I haven't been following too well, I guess, cause it doesn't feel to me as though I'm getting any healthier. Certainly not any happier or more serene. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood, but honestly, I think You'd agree with me--I'm still pretty much a basket case.

So, in a nutshell, I'd like to make my prayer perfectly clear. Please let me feel joy and be serene and productively serve You according to Your will and the purpose for which You gave me life. Please give me another chance to have many years of a loving joyful committed relationship with a life partner, preferably romantic, but certainly something better and more satisfying and meaningful that I can possibly imagine (and I don't mean with my pet, altho he's a rare gift--thank You), and let me also leave the starting gate after the divorce with, if it be Your will, and is in the HIghest Good for all concerned, which I hope it is, equal financial resources.

I think I must be following Your guidance by blogging these blogs, cause I feel so much better and centered in You since I started last night. Please give me the courage to keep up the good work.

That's it for now G, it's late, and I just want to read my emails and irrigate You-know-who's wounds and I promise I won't write any replies tonight cause it's already so late, but I should stay upright for a little while longer, anyway, cause I only finished dinner a short while ago, and You know about that gastric disturbance and I'd like to avoid that if at all possible (and it is YOur will). But really--I'm having a hard time focusing my eyes which, I think, is Your way of telling me to go to bed. so, maybe I won't read any emails, and just let them be until tomorrow, even though I saw from my google notifier that You know who sent 2.

Love and hugs and kisses,
You know who I am